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We are home!

October 14, 2015

Mum picked us up this afternoon & it was so exciting. We had to kiss her a lot & Charlotte wanted to be on her lap. He both sat on the passenger seat in our seatbelts & after a short drive we picked up some mini human friends. It was so fun. We gad a bath because mum says we were pretty stinky & full of country mud. We didn’t mind because the kids helped lots. Then they read us stories & took us to the park.

When we got home mum tried to trim my fur hahaahahha silly mum. Charlotte let her, even clipping her claws.

We were so tired we didn’t even finish dinner & have been sleeping since about 7.30 unless a possum is noisy.

We are very thankful for our friends who helped us get home to mum. We couldn’t have done it without you.

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Updated: The bill is paid! My crap mental health & seeming to have no options but then the parents get a heart

October 13, 2015

One of our very kind friends has paid the outstanding kennel bill. No more barriers.

So yesterday I was meant to pick up the pups, I couldn’t as I don’t have the remaining money.

And because I couldn’t/can’t see a way out I chose to try to end my life. I took what I believed would be more than enough medication & feel unconscious. I have no recollection until I woke in the early hours & had to work out where I was. I was interviewed by a psych & it was all very boring. I left at about 7am to come back to my parents.

I am very tired but otherwise fine.

My parents have come up with an idea to mean I can stay here with the dogs in Mum’s artist studio. With the dogs never coming in the house. (I don’t think that will last seeing dad loves cuddling Archie on the couch).

But finally there is something to look forward to. It might be tomorrow or it might be on the weekend.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      should go to

I ahbsreinh

The no news update

October 12, 2015

So I have nothing to report, I am meant to pick up the pups by today but can’t as I don’t have anywhere to take them & can not pay the outstanding fees of $625.

Thank you to the friend who paid a substantial amount last week. I also paid all of my study payment to them but even with the discount they have given & that money it is not enough.

They were coming to my parents house, who were assisting but as is my parents way that is no longer an option.

I have no idea what to do as I am too depressed to think of anything I haven’t already tried. I have spoken to everyone who is supposed to be able to help. They admit they have limited help available & none that fits my needs.

My back is really bad for a number of reasons, so while I am online & applying for jobs I am not actually able to dress myself or shower today. Just the reality that I live with & at the moment really difficult.

I am really not sure what to do, camping in the garden at my parents was the compromise which is horrible in many ways but meant I could have the pups back. Now I really need to find somewhere else for myself let alone the pups.

I am hoping they can stay another day, I am sure the shelter won’t say no to that but then I still don’t have an answer. I won’t be paid for another week and a half. Without a job I have no chance of getting the money together for a new home. The kind but factual woman assisting with emergency & long term housing options agreed there is nothing/very little available for singles & nothing I could have the pups with me or is any good for my mental health.

My mental health is obviously really bad & anything to improve it costs money I don’t have.

Thank you for the people who have supported me & sorry i have continued to fail.

Update: good news & good friends

October 7, 2015

So I got a call & they have agreed to reduce the amount owning by 30%. After a friend made a large contribution today & I paid all of my austudy in that leaves $624.47 to be paid.

They have also said that I need to pick up Charlotte and Archie by Friday or Monday at the latest. Which is great but we have no where to go.

So I will be trying all the support agencies to see what can be done. I don’t want to discuss it but it is not possible for me to stay any longer at my parents & I am writing this & then packing up.

I hope I can sell more of the listed things on gumtree but I will look at other options to raise the money as well.

Thank you for all your support.

Update – Operation get the pups home

October 6, 2015

Hi everyone,

I wanted to update people on what it going on as so many have been so helpful & asked how they can help with getting Charlotte and Archie home.

This morning I paid my whole centrelink payment for the fortnight to pay a chunk of the kennel fees. I paid $600, there is $1599 still outstanding. While I have explained a few times that I am homeless & struggling they haven’t until today offered to look at reducing the fee. They are going to talk to the CEO today. It is not a given but it is something that hadn’t been an option before.

People have asked about helping with the costs, you can pay directly via the phone if in Australia, email me & I will give you the number. Or you can donate to my paypal or bank account. My email is my paypal address freyabergin@gmail.com email for bank account details or the phone number of the kennels.

I applying for temp, casual, part time & full time jobs. It seems to be one step forward, two steps back. I am also selling anything non essential that will raise money, yesterday I sold two things for $250. I will buy the prescription medication I need $60 & some basic other items but then the rest will go to the kennel fees too. I have lots of other things listed for sale too. Fingers crossed. I have got over the fear of having my phone number out there & email address too, I can change them later.

I am currently staying at my parents, I have again asked them that the pups come here. It would have to be temporary as I am sleeping on the couch at the moment, but they know & love being here.

Charlotte is depressed & while it isn’t perfect being at my parents is better for her now.

Hopefully with reduced costs I will be able to find suitable housing soon too.

I am writing this as I am on the phone to Centrelink (social services) talking about getting a disability pension & releasing my superannuation (retirement savings). I am trying to get job seeking help too, as it has run out after two years, I have only seen the person in Melbourne twice in the year she was supposedly providing service.

One step forward, two steps back. It’s the tango of life. I am really trying to stay positive but just want the pups with me.

My Psychiatrist wants me to find a home for the pups & I. Then when I have a stable base other things will be a lot easier.

Thank everyone for their support & friendship. I have been overwhelmed by the incredible kindness people have shown me & the pups.

From Freya IMG_0614 IMG_0808 IMG_2135 IMG_2393

Operation get us to mum!

September 28, 2015

Edit: The hard truth of needing to stick with Uni and not let the financial need dictate taking poorly paid, distracting and derailing jobs over my commitment to Uni has been made a lot clearer.

I have been thinking, I will just get a full time job. But the reality is the things I can do just don’t earn that much and it will keep the cycle going even longer.

So trying to work out the fine line of being able to complete Uni as fast as I can & working with my limitations but have enough money to do what is best for me psychologically, living alone with the pups….

Thank you to all our friends who have read our blog, shared it, sent messages and support. It has been overwhelming and there are not words to describe how amazing it feels to understand how much love there is for our little family.

One of the things that I really want to express is my shame and regret for so publically breaking down. I don’t want to frighten people but I know that is part of the consequences of my actions. I am very sorry for any distress i have caused people. For a long time my online friends have been my saviours. The people there in the darkest hours of the night when my PTSD is raging, you offer me comfort, fun, friendship and laughter in times I desperately need it. I thank you all so much for that.

But now on to the plans…

Mum really can’t live without us, the last few months have been so hard, it seems like the wise thing to do because of all that is against us being together to rehome us but without us mum has fallen in a very big heap and it is taking a lot of effort to get her back up. She needs our snuggles and some good walkies.

Our Grandma is now able to understand how important we are to mum, her psychiatrist and psychologist both want us to be with mum and think it’s very important. She is not firmly committed to helping in any practical way yet but is getting her head around it all, which is a huge start.

It does seem like the wrong way around to be looking for a home when mum doesn’t have a job but because of her mental and physical health issues setting up healthy routines at home and feeling safe means everything else will fall into place much better.

Mum is looking at some places tomorrow. While the finances are still up in the air and will be scrambling for every bit of help there is available as well as selling everything that isn’t bolted down. As long as it’s not our toys then we are ok with that, oh and not the bed, we like to stretch out and snore on that.

Privacy is a massive issue due to the domestic violence we escaped a few years ago. Friends are lending mum an old phone to use for listing things for sale so her number isn’t being given out.
Selling things that have been really hard to get and mum loves is hard, but mum has lost everything before and knows what really matters. We need to be back together and can do without a lot of things to make that happen.

Mum is also requesting the retirement savings she has, it’s not fast but helps. There is a no interest loan from Mum’s Uni that she might be eligible for. The welfare agencies that help with housing crises have been called and waiting to hear back.

There is a good chance that mum won’t be eligible for help because very strict percentage of income tests are used which don’t reflect the actual cost of renting. But hopefully there will be some help.

Our kennel and vet bill from Charlotte’s dislocated shoulder was at $1870 yesterday. Mum has been paying a small amount each fortnight but also paying storage costs and her medical costs.

Paying that is the first priority but getting the first months rent and bond together is also top priority. Mum will be applying for homes tomorrow in the attitude that she will find a way to make it happen if we get approved.

There are people who have offered to help with costs and mum will be in contact in the next day or so. She is trying to work out a way to be able to paypal straight to the kennels but have them know it’s for us.

She has already got a little bit of ongoing nanny work set up to start next week. Friends are helping with her resume and grandma helped get an interview outfit today.

Mum is missing us so much but much more confident.

She is trying to minimize the amount of changes for us, people have offered to foster us but due to Charlotte’s anxiety, needing medication and being unsettled she would rather move us straight into our new home rather than having too many changes.

Thank you everyone xox

When there is nothing left

September 25, 2015

Four years ago this month I committed suicide. I am writing this to try to explain why I love Charlotte and Archie so much, why I want them to have a great life and why I know that I can’t give them that.

I don’t say attempted because I am alive not through choice, and because I still wish I had not been found. This isn’t something that is open to discussion with people. I do not think there is an inherent dignity to human life and I do not have religious beliefs. The outcome for me would only be that I was dead and no longer suffering. But I am alive.

N.B. as this is the kind of thing my ex partner thrives on, I have received emails from him to ‘help’. Like all his intrusions they are unwanted and unhelpful. I have given up shame by posting this but he is in no way helping and always makes things far worse. Sorry but always upsets me & any idea he is ‘helping’ makes me want to vomit.

There are things I am immensely grateful of that I have found during the last four years, many people did amazing things in that time and now. I am forever grateful but it doesn’t change that I had made a decision and wish it had worked. It wasn’t the first time, that was when I was about 10, it wasn’t the last. I had “the best help you can get” which is not a lot.

I live with depression, anxiety and severe PTSD. I also have ADHD & fibromyalgia. The labels explain who I am in neat little phrases but the easy way to understand is I am an incredibly broken child who relives events that I wish were not ever experienced by anyone, of any age. I am not an easy or pleasant person to be around. I don’t want to be around me so I understand and expect that others don’t want to as well. Having been the child victim of trauma, I seem to attract it and have experienced things that chip away at the soul in a way that I can not describe very well. I used to believe that things would not always be like this but I have not found that to be the case.

The labels have been applied in the last 4 years as I have tried to live and work towards having a future where I can sustain myself and the pups, but most I am aware of from childhood. In theory the labels should help me access services and not have to explain myself over and over. But the reality is they are not well understood and how they interact for me is unique. I don’t begrudge anyone who reads this and thinks I am crazy, it’s understandable. But I am not going to change, these are not new issues and there is no cure, there is barely treatment.

I can’t really describe it properly but the best I can do is to say it feels my chest is in a vice being squeezed ever tighter and if the PTSD comes into play I am in an absolute panic and need to hide and feel safe alone with the pups. It is relentless and exhausting. I have been apart from the pups for 6 weeks, nothing has improved in that time to make it possible to live together again.
I love my dogs more than anything else in the world. Someone I love deeply said it better than I ever could recently, they are my heros. They have got me through times too difficult to explain, when I could trust no one else and they loved me through out. They are there for me in the middle of the night when I am too scared to close my eyes and they get me out of bed, going to uni or work so that I can afford to feed them.

But I can’t anymore.

There isn’t help for people like me. I am not unwell enough to warrant more help yet I am too unwell to function enough to be able to maintain simple maintaining life goals.

I have been questioned many times why I am always in crisis or what am I going to do? My answer now is I don’t know and I have run out if ideas and energy. There is help available and I have been the recipient of it. But my medicare rebated sessions with my Psychologist ran out months ago. I can not afford the medical/health insurance to access other psychological  and back/pain rehab services recommended for me. I have a great care team but there is not the money to access them. There isn’t a magic you need a place to live by yourself with our dogs and to feel safe and secure fairy. I wish there was but there isn’t

I know that many people will have advice filled with love and practicality to give me. But there isn’t something that will fix me. I won’t suddenly be able to get and keep a job. I won’t be able to rent a house or afford the health care I need. There are too many areas of need that intertwine that sorting one out is not sustainable without the others.

My heart is ripped to shreds at the thought I will never bury my face in the Charlotte’s neck fur and rub her ears. Or have Archie lie on me with his face nearly in mine as he headbutts my hand to pat him. They have been my life and reason for living for a long time now.

I want them to be safe, secure and able to live out the rest of their lives in stability that I can’t give them.

I thank everyone who has helped us thus far. I am sorry I have not been able to sort this out. I am devastated. I am ok to email about the dogs but I really can’t talk on the phone.

I will be dropping their vaccination certificates and supplies tomorrow (I plan to at least). I won’t be seeing them as leaving them after seeing them briefly seems far too cruel.

I am hoping they find a wonderful family. The name of where they are I am dreading disclosing for reasons I discussed earlier. Everything about this makes me feel physically sick and I wish it was not the case.

But if wishes were horses beggars would ride. I only have enough left to wish that Charlotte and Archie find a wonderful home, with a garden to run around in, some snuggly laps and loving people.