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When there is nothing left

September 25, 2015

Four years ago this month I committed suicide. I am writing this to try to explain why I love Charlotte and Archie so much, why I want them to have a great life and why I know that I can’t give them that.

I don’t say attempted because I am alive not through choice, and because I still wish I had not been found. This isn’t something that is open to discussion with people. I do not think there is an inherent dignity to human life and I do not have religious beliefs. The outcome for me would only be that I was dead and no longer suffering. But I am alive.

N.B. as this is the kind of thing my ex partner thrives on, I have received emails from him to ‘help’. Like all his intrusions they are unwanted and unhelpful. I have given up shame by posting this but he is in no way helping and always makes things far worse. Sorry but always upsets me & any idea he is ‘helping’ makes me want to vomit.

There are things I am immensely grateful of that I have found during the last four years, many people did amazing things in that time and now. I am forever grateful but it doesn’t change that I had made a decision and wish it had worked. It wasn’t the first time, that was when I was about 10, it wasn’t the last. I had “the best help you can get” which is not a lot.

I live with depression, anxiety and severe PTSD. I also have ADHD & fibromyalgia. The labels explain who I am in neat little phrases but the easy way to understand is I am an incredibly broken child who relives events that I wish were not ever experienced by anyone, of any age. I am not an easy or pleasant person to be around. I don’t want to be around me so I understand and expect that others don’t want to as well. Having been the child victim of trauma, I seem to attract it and have experienced things that chip away at the soul in a way that I can not describe very well. I used to believe that things would not always be like this but I have not found that to be the case.

The labels have been applied in the last 4 years as I have tried to live and work towards having a future where I can sustain myself and the pups, but most I am aware of from childhood. In theory the labels should help me access services and not have to explain myself over and over. But the reality is they are not well understood and how they interact for me is unique. I don’t begrudge anyone who reads this and thinks I am crazy, it’s understandable. But I am not going to change, these are not new issues and there is no cure, there is barely treatment.

I can’t really describe it properly but the best I can do is to say it feels my chest is in a vice being squeezed ever tighter and if the PTSD comes into play I am in an absolute panic and need to hide and feel safe alone with the pups. It is relentless and exhausting. I have been apart from the pups for 6 weeks, nothing has improved in that time to make it possible to live together again.
I love my dogs more than anything else in the world. Someone I love deeply said it better than I ever could recently, they are my heros. They have got me through times too difficult to explain, when I could trust no one else and they loved me through out. They are there for me in the middle of the night when I am too scared to close my eyes and they get me out of bed, going to uni or work so that I can afford to feed them.

But I can’t anymore.

There isn’t help for people like me. I am not unwell enough to warrant more help yet I am too unwell to function enough to be able to maintain simple maintaining life goals.

I have been questioned many times why I am always in crisis or what am I going to do? My answer now is I don’t know and I have run out if ideas and energy. There is help available and I have been the recipient of it. But my medicare rebated sessions with my Psychologist ran out months ago. I can not afford the medical/health insurance to access other psychological  and back/pain rehab services recommended for me. I have a great care team but there is not the money to access them. There isn’t a magic you need a place to live by yourself with our dogs and to feel safe and secure fairy. I wish there was but there isn’t

I know that many people will have advice filled with love and practicality to give me. But there isn’t something that will fix me. I won’t suddenly be able to get and keep a job. I won’t be able to rent a house or afford the health care I need. There are too many areas of need that intertwine that sorting one out is not sustainable without the others.

My heart is ripped to shreds at the thought I will never bury my face in the Charlotte’s neck fur and rub her ears. Or have Archie lie on me with his face nearly in mine as he headbutts my hand to pat him. They have been my life and reason for living for a long time now.

I want them to be safe, secure and able to live out the rest of their lives in stability that I can’t give them.

I thank everyone who has helped us thus far. I am sorry I have not been able to sort this out. I am devastated. I am ok to email about the dogs but I really can’t talk on the phone.

I will be dropping their vaccination certificates and supplies tomorrow (I plan to at least). I won’t be seeing them as leaving them after seeing them briefly seems far too cruel.

I am hoping they find a wonderful family. The name of where they are I am dreading disclosing for reasons I discussed earlier. Everything about this makes me feel physically sick and I wish it was not the case.

But if wishes were horses beggars would ride. I only have enough left to wish that Charlotte and Archie find a wonderful home, with a garden to run around in, some snuggly laps and loving people.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Robyn permalink
    September 25, 2015 8:24 pm

    Hold on dearest girl, they are not just your heroes, you are theirs. I know you are overwhelmed with pain at their situation and your own but that does not make you weak or flawed in any way. Don’t try and do this on your own, time and the right support will get you through this. Keep pushing for help and lean on your friends. The distress you are feeling limits your ability to problem solve, even if you can’t see it now there are nearly always solutions for these problems. Big hugs and much love.

  2. September 25, 2015 10:39 pm

    We’re listening to you Aunty *face licks* We are very worried too. We want to try to keep you all together.

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